flymoniker

I realized that lots of people blogged about the New Year, and resolutions yadda yadda. And because I am a Singaporean and Singaporeans are best known for their mob instinct, I shall be patriotic and jump on the bandwagon.

A year ago, I was making a choice between poly and jc. It was an easy one, because after four years of straitjacket hell I wanted freedom. I wanted to belong. I didn't want to go somewhere where I would stick out like a sore thumb, be looked down upon and unintentionally different. So ignorant and naive, my first choice went to Mass Comm at Ngee Ann Poly.

You would have thought that one year later, I would have accumalized to poly life and its education environment. Nopeeeee. I'm still here, feeling as rejected, lonely, and unhappily different as I did in RV long ago. If I compare then and now, I would really have preferred then.

What I have come to realized is that, due to MC (the irony of its abbreviation)'s high cut off point, lots of you know, smart (most of the time nerdy, power-hungry but not neccessarily so) people get in. Smart, undeterred people. So what used to be an image of 'coolness', arty farty-ness plus street smart is now just... frankly, an older RV.

If you've been in RV you'll know what I'm talking about.

When I complain to F about how my life is a coalface now he listens, cock his head to the side, and then start to berate me.

"Do you know how many people wants to go into your course in your school?"

Sometimes I see things from his perspective. I see myself as being lucky, and then promptly resolve to blend in with school life. Sometimes, when the going gets really tough, I go sod it, i'm better off studying somewhere else.

17 years old and stuck in a rut.

If I could, I want to pursue foundation then a degree in the States. Not Australia, where everyone can go but some people brag about it to death. But I've already wasted one year of my life. Plus, to get in is not... easy. Not to mention how financially straining it would be for the fees, lodging and um, recreational activities (shopping).

Y'know, it's always been my dream to be an editor of a fashion magazine. Ok so I wanted to be a lawyer first but I deemed it too tough. But now, to think that I have to face these people in the workforce in my later life, I'm not so sure.

Many times I go, Jesus, my life is shit! And then remorse overwhelms me because I have no idea what a shitty life is like when people on the other side of the world are dying, eating tree bark and drinking horse pee. On the other hand, I'm so unhappy and what I'm doing is not fulfilling at all so what the fuck am I doing here?

If 2nd year is gonna be like this with the same people, I think I might actually drop out and think of an alternative. Sure, life is short, but much more the reason to live it on my terms.